SHARPEN YOUR PENCILS!
Using nothing more than your cunning, wit, and marvelous skills, rewrite this piece with your best work. If you want to, tell us why you think it’s weak and how your efforts make it stronger. Change tense, voice, style, or whatever you think makes it better!
Use “Leave a Reply” for your rewrite.
Here’s the beautiful part… These pieces are randomly selected from member submissions, but the replies (corrections) all go on this single page. Figuring out what passage your magnificent ‘correction’ is for, is more than half the fun 🙂
So without further adieu, your piece to correct!
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She’s young. A teenager at most. Her jet-black hair is an ink spot in the night. The man tenderly combs the hair from her face with rough fingers. He sits back on his haunches and stares at her. After several minutes he plays his last piece of the night’s symphony, a series of deep choking sobs.
“
“We need to be open to everyone or we’re as bad as them.” Felicia said.
“I don’t think being careful makes us creeps.” I told her. “He’s going to be trouble we don’t need.”
Six months later, after Felicia and I split, Gary proved me right.
“You should have gone with her, Gary.” I told him before she was fully out of sight. “Nobody going to excuse your bullshit now.”
“We’ll see what the mobs have to say about who leads” he told me before turning away.
I don’t know what the others might have agreed with, but waking with the pickaxe in my skull made it clear we won’t be reconciling..
“Seriously, Stephen. This could be the mother lode! People have been yakkin about this for ages. Terrifying green mist? Seriously? There’s something hidden in there. Something damn valuable.” Tilly said.
Stephen had never seen his partner so excited. “You ain’t buying the evil beasts or sudden madness then?”
Nice Spencer. Turning it to a scene with dialog works well here.